A Really Long but Short Self Insert
by Acriym
Summary: A self insert oneshot, poking fun at all the SI's out there while taking a bit from them and over exaggerating it. Collab with Mieu.
1. The Sue

A/N: We were being really, _really_ masochistic when we wrote this.** Purposely written like a bad-fic/Mary-Sue**, because we're sick of all the poorly written self-inserts out there. Hopefully this will _discourage_ self-insert writers.

**If, at anytime, you feel the need to click the back button, please resist the urge and scroll all the way down to read the last paragraph.** Or just click the next chapter button and save yourself the agony.

Then feel free to flame it all. Please.

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_Beep beep bee-CRK!_

I slammed my hand down on the alarm clock that everyone dreads in the morning. The flashing green lights told me it was 8:00. I savored my warm bed for a few minutes longer when I heard a knocking on my door.

"Annabelle, get up for school. NOW, young lady."

I rolled out of bed with a thump, dragging the blankets with me. "I'm up," I croaked, walking over to my closet and swinging open the door. I grabbed a black t-shirt, along with black jeans, applied my black eyeliner and while scowling, snatched my hairbrush from the surface of my dresser. I ran it through my red streaked, platinum blonde silky hair that was practically silver, that stretched down to my hips. Finally, I set the hairbrush back down. I looked into the mirror and gazed into my reflection, narrowing my deep-sea foam green eye and my dark mystical sapphire blue eye. That's right, I had two different colored eyes.

"My name," I said, watching the way my lips moved, seeing how it looked. "...is Annabelle." But my pale pink lips that tasted like strawberries twisted into a scowl. I hated being called Annabelle - I liked Anna more.

"Anna," I finished, smiling. Anna was such a pretty name; I've always liked it, especially since I played the video game Tales of Symphonia. (which I've completely 9203034298 times, more than anyone else ever has.) Kratos Aurion, my favorite, tragically beautiful character, had a wife named Anna. But Kratos was only a video game character - fictional. Not real; and so, despite how in love I feel every time his low voice spoke on screen, or how my heart fluttered when he shouted, "My son needs me!" I had to accept the fact that I would never have him. And even if he were real, there would always be _Anna_ in the way. Not me, but Kratos' wife; for despite how much I would love him, despite how much I imitated Anna, I would _never be her. _

Because Kratos would never get over Anna.

_But I could change him,_ I thought. _Anna could always have a place in his heart, but I would be so much better..._ Still, I didn't let that dampen my mood. I smiled once more at my reflection, idly toying with my waist-length hair. I was determined to make friends at school today since I was always alone.

During my pondering I failed to realize that it had started to rain._ That_ put a damper on my mood. I was going to fake being sick so I could stay home. My mother was always so stupid that she wouldn't notice that I was faking. She never notices anything about me.

There was another more urgent knocking at the door. I dove into my bed, pulled the covers over me and acted like I was sleeping. She opened the door and poked her head in. "Annabelle, it's time to go to school." I coughed into my pillow and didn't lift my head up. I let out a groan of fake exhaustion. "Mom, I'm not feeling well..." I said, making sure to lace a pitiful rasp in my voice.

_Kratos would want me to go to school..._

"Okay then honey, you don't have to go to school today then. Get better soon, and try not to make a big mess of things. Don't burn the house down, don't open the door for strangers, answer the phone, if a telemarketer asks for me tell them I'm in the shower, always look before crossing the street, and don't forget to use protection! If I find you dead I'm going to call the police~ I'm going to go off to work now." But all thoughts of what Kratos would want flew out of my head at those words. "Of course," I said, slightly irritated, while faking another cough. She left the room and I waited until I heard the door click and her car speed off before I threw the covers off. Only mom and I lived here, at the moment. Dad was off on a business trip, so I knew I wouldn't get found out. I wouldn't miss much of school, after all; while I was extremely pretty, I was also the one who got all straight A's.

I tilted my head to the side as I attempted to think of what to do today.

I smiled as I had an idea. I'd replay Tales of Symphonia for the 920303429_9_th time. I'll kill Zelos this time - I mean, who wouldn't want Kratos~~? He's so hot~~~!

I sat down on my plush mattress and switched on the plasma. The wireless Gamecube controller was already sitting on my nightstand, so I picked it up and waited for the start screen to load. I watched the opening, it was an awesome cinematic, and I was the _only _person in the entire world who noticed that in the forest scene, there are people jumping around, whom I believe to be Kratos, training Lloyd but still whooping his butt at tag.

_I must have been really absorbed in the game,_ I realized since I just noticed that it started to thunder. _Maybe this is like one of those self-insert fanfics that I'm always reading! Maybe I'll get sucked into the game and be able to meet Kratos! But wait, I'm smart, all of those people had controllers that weren't wireless. I need to find my wired controller. _I got up and walked over to the shelf that had all of my gaming items on it. That's right, I was a gamer girl, a one of a kind species. I could beat any of the guys in my class at Halo or Brawl. I was in the process of switching out the controllers when I heard lightning and saw thunder. I quickly switched remotes and grabbed on, ready for my Symphonia adventure.

(But of course we all know that would be impossible because Gamecube controller wires are made out of non-conductive elements. But we are going to ignore that fact for the purpose of speeding up this fic-gone-wrong.)

I heard lightning and saw thunder once more as I prayed with all of my might that I would wind up in Symphonia. The TV blacked out, much to my disappointment. I looked towards my window, which suddenly blew open and realized that the sky was purple and Derris Kharlan was outside my window. _I must be hallucinating. But this is such an awesome hallucination! Maybe Kratos will __appear and fall in love with me!_ I ran to the window, only to see a bright ball of light come closer and closer to me.

"_You are the chosen one." _It told me in an omnipotent voice. It kind of sounds like Kratos. Wait, Chosen One? So I'm going to be an angel? That means I get my Cruxis Crystal sometime in-game, right? I hope it's in the beginning so Kratos can teach me how to use it! I let out a gasp. This was going to be awesome!

_"Listen to this now, because I'm not going to repeat it twice," _the voice snapped. _"Once you die in this game, you're dead. You don't get to come back here, because this is your regular body. It's not some simulated thing - it actually costs a lot of money to create a clone. If you die, I'm not going to bother bringing you back to life. We have better things to spend our time and money on, instead of bringing back some thirteen year old self-absorbed human teenager."_

That's okay, Kratos will protect me. Hey wai-did he just insult me?! This must be Yuan. It sounds like Yuan.

The orb got brighter and brighter until it enveloped me completely, and the next thing I knew I was in the center of the village known as Iselia.

I stood there for a moment, my eyes wide, before I let out a shrill squeal. I was here! I was really here!

I looked around as an excitement bubbled up within me. The town was empty; this was the time when the Desians had marched through, right? Oooh, I wonder if Kratos and the others left already?

But wait, I thought quickly. _They can't leave without me. I'm the Chosen One!_ I grinned widely. I can't believe this! I took a step forward, but something suddenly caught my eye. I looked down at myself. My clothing had completely changed.

I was wearing black leggings, with an equally black tunic. There was a knapsack with a strap that went across my chest. I was wearing brown boots. Clearly, whoever brought me here was considerate enough to change my outfit from Colette's – good riddance. The girl has no fashion sense whatsoever. I don't get how Lloyd and Colette are the canon couple; he's Kratos' son, he should fall for someone so much more _worthy _of him.

But it doesn't matter now. I'm Colette now, right? So then Lloyd should fall in love with me, and I think I'm worthy enough. Oh, that would be such a love triangle~! Lloyd would be so in love with me, but I would be in love with Kratos, and he, too, would love me! Father and son, fighting for the woman they love so much...

I put a hand over my heart. I didn't want to ruin their future relationship, but... I love Kratos, so, so much...

"Young lady?" A voice asked behind me and I turned. Frank, Colette's father – or was he mine, now? I was the Chosen One, after all - stood behind me, a rather concerned expression on his face. "Are you alright? I saw that the Desians just passed through -" he cast a hasty glance around, before his eyes settled on the school, where it seemed the source of his worries resided. They rested on me once more. "Are you a traveler? It is not safe, in times such as these -"

"Father, I'll be alright!" I chirped, cutting in suddenly. Inwardly, I frowned. Didn't he recognize me? I was his daughter, now! Colette didn't exist!

Frank hummed softly. "I don't think..." he froze, suddenly, his words trailing off in a general sense of confusion. A crease appeared between his brows. "Pardon me, but did you call me father?"

"Of course." I nodded enthusiastically, clasping my hands behind my back. I leaned forward, smiling. "Don't worry, I'll be safe! The Desians won't be able to stop me from regenerating the world!"

"Regenerating the world -?" Oh, poor Frank, he looks so worried and confused. Why couldn't my actual father be like this? "I – where are you parents?" he asked, a clear coherence through his sputtering.

"My parents?" I cocked my head to the side, making my deep, sea foam green eyes – or were they blue, now? I couldn't tell, all I knew was that my hair was still long and blonde – look wide and innocent. I would be smarter than Colette, this time around, but I would still act like a perfect little angel. "You're my father."

Frank looked mildly disturbed.

"I apologize," he said, "but I think you're under a misunderstanding -"

"Father?" a new, sweet, _feminine _voice called out – a voice I knew oh-so-well. I heard it from the TV screen far too many times. Frank glanced at the girl who spoke, as my own head whipped around at the direction of the voice. Blue eyes, waist-length blonde hair, an air of innocence around her, horrible fashion sense – oh, Martel, it was _Colette. _Beside her stood Lloyd and Genis.

It felt as though my world crashed down around me.

No. No, it couldn't be possible. NO. I'm the Chosen One! I'm supposed to have Lloyd and Kratos fall in love with me! She wasn't supposed to exist!

How dare she take away my right?!

_How dare she?_

The voice had lied to me! I felt so angry!_ Damn you!_ My mind screamed. I held back tears of disappointment, and upon feeling one slip out of my eye, quickly rubbed it away with the heel of my palm. _Damn you, voice!_

"Oh, are you alright?" Colette said, walking towards me. Her hand was outstretched slightly, but still grasped closely to her non-existent chest.

"No," I said back tearfully. There was an angry edge in my voice, and Colette recoiled at it, immediately spewing out apologies. Like I cared about them. "No, I'm not alright! You stole my position, my role! I'm supposed to be the Chosen! Lloyd – and – and Kratos are supposed to love me and the voice in my head _lied _to me -" my voice broke as I tried to stifle a sob in my throat. Frank looked bewildered and weary, eyeing me as though I were a deranged psychopath. Lloyd and Genis inched closer to Colette, and Frank quickly strode over to her, grabbing onto her shoulders protectively. I couldn't bear it any longer. I turned on my heel, ran past the schoolhouse and out through the village gates.

I don't know how long I ran for. At times I had to stop and kneel, letting out sobs, but I kept running aimlessly – and in some places, climbed. Whenever there was a monster I cast a quick Indignation, dealing with them quickly.

Finally, I stopped. I had somehow wound up on a cliff. Below, I saw the Martel temple. I suddenly realized my legs were stiff and hurt so much... I fell to the ground, my knees suddenly weak. I cried and sobbed, and sobbed. _"For the love of - shut up," _the voice, at last, said in my head.

"_You're a Chosen of a different kind, you idiot."_

Immediately, my tears stopped. _What? _I asked back.

"_It means,"_ said the voice irritably. _"that your goal is to save the world.__ To stop events from happening. You were Chosen for that, not to go under some Angelic transformation." _the voice paused, and then snorted. _"And then you can kiss Kratos or have whatever it is you want." _

There was a sound behind me, like the sound effects of teleportation in the game. I ignored it; it was probably the voice being mean to me again.

Then what he said sunk into my mind.

I sat up straight. "Wait..." I gave a watery laugh, wiping away the tears that still remained on my face. I hiccoughed for a moment, before smiling brightly. "I still have a chance? Kratos will still love me?"

The voice said nothing. It sounded as though it was stifling laughter.

There was a sound of disbelief behind me. I turned and – oh my god.

Oh my GOD.

KRATOS.

I blushed furiously, turning away.

It was Kratos. Kratos was on this cliff, in his purple mercenary outfit, his face a blank slate of emotion – but the one eye that wasn't covered by his auburn bangs, the one eye that I was convinced was a gateway into his soul – above it, his slender eyebrow was raised. I lifted a trembling hand to cover my mouth. Oh. My. God. He was even more gorgeous in person! My heart felt constricted, my stomach knotted.

"Excuse me?" He asked politely. Oh, what a sweetheart and gentleman, helping a damsel in distress like me~! No doubt he saw me sobbing and came to comfort me... I hid a shy smile.

"Oh, um," I fiddled with my hands. I had planned this conversation out for years, but suddenly, I couldn't think of what to say. My blush deepened. "I...I'm sorry." I made to stand, when an idea crossed my mind. "Ow!" I immediately crumpled back down, like I had hurt my ankle. I was always the best actress; I had taken acting classes for years. However, he didn't move to help me, and I inwardly felt hurt – yet also proud. He saw the mistakes in my skills that only a trained professional could see.

He simply stared, bemused. I let out a fake whimper, clutching my 'sore' ankle.

He sighed. It almost seemed like he wanted to jump off the cliff. "Are you hurt?" he asked, and my heart fluttered. Oh, he cared about me~! I nodded eagerly.

"Yes, I think I twisted my ankle while I was running."

His lips tightened at their corners. "Stop faking it." His face was completely deadpan. I could feel my love for him increasing, as if it could anymore.

"Oh, Kratos!" I breathed, standing up, forgoing my injured ankle excuse. "Only you would be able to see through my lies!" My eyes watered again, and I quickly wiped the tears away. "I tried to lie to you on our first meeting – I'm not worthy of you." I closed my eyes. There were the sounds of swords clanking, the whistles of the wind as chakrams soared through the air and the feel of fire as it flew towards its target. I knew, that below, on the steps of the temple, Lloyd and his friends must be fighting the Renegades.

I have to help them! I thought - but I couldn't move. Kratos was still here, and my legs were still so sore...

There was no sound from Kratos. I wonder if he left...?

After a moment, I opened my eyes. Kratos was still in the same position, looking incredibly irritated. He gazed down at the three.

I bit my lip. "I don't understand," I said, frowning. "What am I doing wrong?" I dropped my façade and looked Kratos dead in the eye.

"Why don't you understand?!" I shouted. I could taste the bitter feeling of anger in my mouth. "I, Annabelle Taylor, am in love with you, Kratos Aurion." I stomped forward and poked him in the chest.

"Oh, I know who you are," I said through my gritted teeth when he raised his eyebrows in surprise. "You're Kratos Aurion. You're a Cruxis angel who taught Mithos swordsmanship four-thousand years ago!" I shouted. "You were married to Anna, that Angelus Project -" I made a sound of disgust here, and Kratos' eyes narrowed in anger. Oh, my poor man, he's deluded himself into thinking he actually loved her... I'd fix that, soon enough."- and had a son, Lloyd. You killed her out of sympathy, when Kvar turned her into a monster, because you didn't really love her." I stopped poking him in the chest as I spoke, and rested a hand on his cheek. I had to stand on my tip-toes, since he was so tall.

"Sweetie, it's okay; I know the truth." I smiled widely. "I'm here to make you feel better about that witch you were forced to marry out of pity. But," I tutted, "I swear, I will tell Lloyd everything I know if you don't take me on the journey with you. These terms are non-negotiable, dear."

His eyes were narrowed in anger, his lips still tightened at their corners. I wonder why he was so angry...? "...Are you done?" he said, as I regained my breath after that large rant.

"Yes," I said, grinning. This was my last chance to make him fall in love with me...

I leaned in closer to his face -

_Shiiing._

Kratos shoved me back. I stumbled, nearly tripping. I struggled to regain my sense of balance, my mouth slack. "Kratos?" I asked. This was my last chance to make him fall in love with me... I'll admit, our relationship would have a rocky start, but it would get better towards the end! "Kratos, dear, what's wrong?"

There was a sudden flash as sunlight glinted off his sword.

I saw his sword come at my neck. I felt extreme pain, and then the world went black.

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Mieu: If you finished this and read everything, congratulations! If you didn't finish and just scrolled, move on to the next chapter since it is from the third person POV. Feel free to flame this story, or shoot me. …Just shoot me now. Seriously.

Dark: And feel free to shoot me, too. I feel like I need to go and dip myself in holy water, after this particularly horrible and nightmarish experience.

Mieu: And yes, she is the reason why Kratos was late.


	2. The Safe Haven

To say that Mithos Yggdrasill was angry was an understatement.

First, he had discovered that the door to the room he often used to monitor the Chosens had been completely barricaded from the inside. Scowling, he had left to find Pronyma, only to discover that she was down meeting Tethe'alla's Chosen.

He had stormed around Derris-Kharlan after that, visiting Martel's soul, killing the odd security monster here and there, before he saw that some idiot had altered Derris-Kharlan's position and sent it to an obscure planet called Earth, picked up a pathetic human girl and then gone back to its invisible place above the worlds.

Somehow, he had the feeling it was Yuan. Kratos wasn't this stupid and never intentionally tried his patience (except for that time when he ran away with the Angelus Project).

He wandered back to the monitor room, when he was struck by the realization that he could have just teleported there the entire time. Growling, he warped in, and saw, not to his shock, that his brother-in-law sat at the controls, clutching his side as he laugh and laughed and laughed. The screen had been tuned to watch someone else other than the Chosen, and that made him more furious.

His anger, however, vanished when he saw on the screen that there was a human girl in Kratos' company.

She was trying to kiss him.

He gaped for only a moment, before he reached out for a chair and sat next to Yuan.

"What's going on?" he enquired.

Yuan buried his face in his hands, his shoulders still shaking with laughter.

"I found this planet called Earth," he said. Yggdrasill frowned. He'd found the idiot, at least. "And, well, there was this girl..."

As Yuan continued on with his story, Yggdrasill slapped his face onto the desk. He really wished he hadn't asked...

They both watched on – Yuan in amusement, Yggdrasill in weariness - as Kratos lopped off her head.

For the first time in centuries, Yggdrasill found himself somewhat pleased with his old teacher's actions.

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_THE END._

_---_

(Kratos obtained the title of "SueSlayer." He just couldn't bear it any longer.)


End file.
